Respected Madam/Sir,
Good morning. Or good evening? Because these days time is confusing like Balaraman’s bank balance – sometimes morning he is in India, evening he is in England, night he is in stadium watching rain, and next day back to complaining about pension increase. Whether he has personal jet or what?
First let me confirm, yes Madam/Sir, I remember your neighbour and friend Mr. Balaraman very well. Retired bank employee, same pension as you, same middle-class family background, same father not being Nawab of Arcot. But difference is – while you are enjoying petrol smell and paint can therapy, he is busy becoming Ambani junior through “investment and mutual funds”. Ha ha, very good joke.
You asked me to check as social service whether black money or underworld or demonetisation hiding. Madam/Sir, I did some thinking (no need police, let us not make unnecessary scene like last time when painter found chequebook and everybody stared at ceiling fan).
From what I observe:
But one small advice: Next time Balaraman calls from abroad showing off, tell him “My dear friend, come back soon. Here in India, we are enjoying real rain – no ticket needed, just stand in balcony with paint can and petrol bottle. Full climate experience plus intoxication bonus. And pension is same for both, but my happiness is double because no EMI tension.”
Meanwhile at home, Mrs. M still giving end-piece bread for breakfast. I told her “Kamalam, Balaraman is eating stadium biryani in rain, at least give me full slice.” She said “Old man, if you want full slice, go do mutual funds like him.” I said “No thanks, I prefer petrol smell over mutual fund crash smell.”
So Madam/Sir, no need to inform police. Balaraman is not criminal, just over-enthusiastic EMI king who thinks rain will spare his ticket because he paid in pounds.
But nature is saying “No ball, match abandoned, go home and eat idli like normal retired fellow.”Yours in zero EMI satisfaction and full rain enjoyment,J. Mathrubootham
First let me confirm, yes Madam/Sir, I remember your neighbour and friend Mr. Balaraman very well. Retired bank employee, same pension as you, same middle-class family background, same father not being Nawab of Arcot. But difference is – while you are enjoying petrol smell and paint can therapy, he is busy becoming Ambani junior through “investment and mutual funds”. Ha ha, very good joke.
You asked me to check as social service whether black money or underworld or demonetisation hiding. Madam/Sir, I did some thinking (no need police, let us not make unnecessary scene like last time when painter found chequebook and everybody stared at ceiling fan).
From what I observe:
- Demonetisation time: Yes, Balaraman disappeared for 2-3 days. But later I heard he was standing in bank queue like everybody, arguing with manager “Sir, my notes are genuine, smell also same as old notes”. So maybe not black money, maybe just bad luck in queue management.
- All these Amazon, Flipkart, sofa set, microwave: Possible he is doing smart thing – buying on EMI, paying minimum, then selling on OLX at loss but getting cash flow. Or maybe mutual funds really giving return? These days even small SIP becoming big if market is bull. But Balaraman’s luck? Doubtful. Last time market crashed, he said “Mathrubootham, my fund is down 20%, but don’t worry, it is long term”. Long term means till his next birth?
- Now UK trip for World Cup: He called you from there saying “come enjoy overseas galatta”. But see what happened – he spent lakhs on ticket, flight, hotel, stadium seat, and what did he get? Rain rain rain! Whole match washed out like my old Santro windshield in monsoon. From recent news, even in this 2026 T20 World Cup, rain is troubling semis – India vs England semi in Mumbai, if rain comes, India out, England goes to final. Poor Balaraman, probably sitting in stadium with umbrella, eating overpriced samosa, watching ground staff doing tarpaulin dance instead of cricket. Serves him right for showing off.
But one small advice: Next time Balaraman calls from abroad showing off, tell him “My dear friend, come back soon. Here in India, we are enjoying real rain – no ticket needed, just stand in balcony with paint can and petrol bottle. Full climate experience plus intoxication bonus. And pension is same for both, but my happiness is double because no EMI tension.”
Meanwhile at home, Mrs. M still giving end-piece bread for breakfast. I told her “Kamalam, Balaraman is eating stadium biryani in rain, at least give me full slice.” She said “Old man, if you want full slice, go do mutual funds like him.” I said “No thanks, I prefer petrol smell over mutual fund crash smell.”
So Madam/Sir, no need to inform police. Balaraman is not criminal, just over-enthusiastic EMI king who thinks rain will spare his ticket because he paid in pounds.
But nature is saying “No ball, match abandoned, go home and eat idli like normal retired fellow.”Yours in zero EMI satisfaction and full rain enjoyment,J. Mathrubootham