Akshaya Tritiya: The Annual National Husband Stress-Test

 

(Now with a Cheat Code)Every year, around Vaishakha month, Indian husbands experience a collective near-death experience. Symptoms:

• Sudden rise in blood pressure
• Mysterious emptying of bank account
• Wife asking the eternal question: “After so many years of marriage, what shiny thing proves you still love me?”

This medical condition is called Akshaya Tritiya.The jewellers’ marketing team deserves a Nobel Prize in Emotional Blackmail.
They turned one harmless line in the scriptures (“buying gold today brings everlasting prosperity”) into India’s biggest annual guilt-trip. Result: husbands queue up like it’s the last helicopter out of Saigon, while jewellers laugh in 24-carat.2024 update: Gold hit ₹75,000 per 10g and even the jewellers were shocked.
They expected 20% YoY growth; instead got 20% YoY panic attacks from customers.But fear not, my fellow members of the Suffering Husbands Association of India (SHAI).
I have discovered the ultimate peace treaty: Gold ETFs.The Official Husband Survival Guide to Akshaya TritiyaProblem:
Wife wants gold.
You want to retire before 65.
Jeweller wants both your kidneys.Solution: Gold ETF (the SIP that saves marriages)How it works (in husband-friendly language):

1. Open a demat account (easier than explaining to your wife why you hid the credit card bill).
2. Every month, auto-buy 1 gram (or half gram, or whatever doesn’t trigger a cardiac event).
3. By next Akshaya Tritiya: 10–15 grams accumulated peacefully.
4. On D-Day: Transfer to her demat or convert to physical gold/jewellery via the fund house.
   Zero drama. Zero “making charges”. Zero jeweller smirking at your salary slip.

Advantages (approved by both Husband and Wife WhatsApp groups)For Husbands:

• No annual heart attack
• Costs exactly the market price (no “vaastu charges”, “design charges”, “my dog’s birthday charges”)
• Can start with ₹600 per month (less than one Zomato order you regret)

For Wives:

• Still gets the same 99.5% pure gold
• Still gets to show off on Akshaya Tritiya
• Husband remains alive and smiling → bonus points

Real Conversation in My House After I Switched to Gold ETFsWife (on Akshaya Tritiya morning): “So… where’s my gold?”
Me (calmly sipping chai): “Already bought, madam. 12 grams. 99.5% pure. Check your demat.”
Wife: blinks
Me: continues sipping chai like a zen master
Wife: “Wait… this is allowed?”
Me: “Allowed and encouraged by the Husband Protection Act, 2023.”Result: Peace in the house. Jeweller deprived of his annual bonus. Marriage saved.Final VerdictMake Akshaya Tritiya a monthly affair (small, painless doses) instead of one annual near-death experience.Because everlasting prosperity is nice…
but an everlasting marriage is nicer.Start the Gold ETF SIP today.
Your future self (and your wife) will thank you.
Your neighbourhood jeweller? He’ll manage. He has enough helicopters already.Happy (stress-free) Akshaya Tritiya!
— A husband who finally cracked the code.