A note to myself!

23rd August 2016 , marked my 40th birthday. I got a lot of wishes from friends, colleagues and family .mostly through the social media....Thanks to everyone!

On my 40th birthday, i thought of ruminating a bit about the 4 decades that went by!  Until so long ago this is what I used to feel about myself... Wow! what a life it has been ! how unexciting it has been so far!!! 

Looking back at my life, I have most often felt that I have not accomplished much in life...often compare myself  to a  boat without a rudder sailing in high tide ...in an Ocean called life..just getting pushed to the side where the expectations push me , only to get pushed to the other end. In the end, I used to feel "empty" for not having accomplished anything .. I think I felt so that way because I am not famous...you will miss me in a crowd of two ... and also  because , I am not as rich as I wanted to be!

I used to think that this "hollowness"  issue to be unique to me...until I happened to read about the rich and famous. Beginning with Robin Williams ... the celebrated Hollywood actor who won the academy award and best known for his comic sense ! In my books , Robin Williams was way up there , having made his mark as a stand-up comic ,in theater and in Hollywood !!! ...The World also thought he was an success!  Alas ! he never had the same feeling about himself and ultimately took his own life.

how about Michael Jackson ? ...the king of Pop...a child prodigy who raked in success after success through his albums...His best selling Album, "Thriller" was the highest selling album ever . I thought he was a success and world also seemed to think so! Again except Mr.Jackson himself...It seems he was never comfortable with himself..making him to putting himself under the surgeon's knife to undergo one plastic surgery after another to change the way he looked ...he never recovered and died young!

on a similar line , about Michael Phelps about whom Mark Spitz described even in 2008 as " Epic. It goes to show you that not only is this guy the greatest swimmer of all time and the greatest Olympian of all time, he's maybe the greatest athlete of all time. He's the greatest racer who ever walked the planet." 4 years later and after 4 more gold medals at the London Olympics , Michael Phelps retired from Swimming...This is what Phelps felt about himself    “I didn’t give a s***,” I had no self-esteem. No self-worth. I thought the world would just be better off without me. I figured that was the best thing to do — just end my life.”  Oh boy...the supreme athlete the world has ever seen ,felt  worthless about himself!!!

You may wonder why i am doing all these apples to oranges comparison of myself to these superstars...no i am not saying that I am like them....what I am alluding to is how wrong I am in assuming that that being famous and rich is the antidote to fill the emptiness in my life...seems it is not...

so then what will fill the emptiness? I do not know...more importantly I have also stopped searching for it... Instead , I learnt something more important ...To get comfortable with Self ..one's own Look ,Voice,  Job ,Accomplishments , Home ,Health, Family and Wealth...however big or small it might be... as long as I earned it through my own effort despite my enlisted limitations.

Finally, I want to tell this to my future self  "Just lead a life of gratitude rather than living in a perpetual expectation of entitlements...Make a persistent attempt to change yourself  through learning,practice and meditation ....At the end of next 40 years,You will feel proud of who you are and the attempts you made , irrespective of the results "